Shame vs. Guilt: What the Difference Means for You

Did you know that shame and guilt share neural networks but have distinctly different patterns? 

Most people think shame and guilt are interchangeable. But they're pretty different. 

One is how you feel about yourself and your reputation. The other is based on your conscience and empathy for others.

Once you understand the difference between shame vs. guilt, it can be easier to deal with them healthily. This article is for you if you've struggled with either of these emotions.

Read our latest blog post to learn more about the difference between shame and guilt.

What Is the Difference Between Shame vs. Guilt?

The main difference between shame and guilt is how we view ourselves. Our self-evaluation is different in each case.

With shame, we tend to see ourselves as inadequate or unworthy. We feel like we're not good enough, and that's why we deserve punishment.

Guilt, however, is based on our actions, not self-worth. We can feel guilty without viewing ourselves as bad people.

Let's explore shame and guilt in more detail.

Shame Definition

Shame is an intense feeling that we're not good enough. It's different from guilt because it's not about our actions. It's about who we are as a person.

When we feel shame, we believe there's something wrong with us. We might feel like we're not worthy of love or never good enough.

Many people struggle with shame, especially if they've experienced trauma or abuse. It can be hard to shake off believing we're bad people.

Guilt Definition

Guilt is often a healthy emotion. It can help us realize when we've made a mistake and encourage us to make things right.

It's a normal and healthy reaction if you care about others. To feel guilty, we need to empathize with others. That means we can understand how our actions have affected others and feel bad about it.

When we feel guilty, we might believe we've done something wrong. We might feel we need to compensate for what we've done or deserve punishment.

However, some people struggle with chronic guilt. Chronic guilt is when we always feel guilty, even when we haven't done anything wrong.

It's important to remember that guilt is related to our values and beliefs. So what might be considered guilty behavior for one person may not be for another. It's also important to remember that guilt is based on our perceptions, which may or may not be accurate.

Guilt vs. Shame: How Do You Know Which One You're Feeling?

Let's break it down further. Guilt says, "I did something bad," while shame says, "I am bad."

That's an important distinction. If you believe you did something wrong, you can forgive yourself and move on. But if you believe you are wrong, it's harder to shake that feeling.

Here are some more shame vs. guilt examples:

Shame: "I'm such an idiot. I can't believe I did that."

Guilt: "I shouldn't have done that. I was thoughtless."

Shame: "I'm such a terrible person. I don't deserve any better."

Guilt: "I feel guilty for what I did. I know it hurt you."

The shame response is more damaging because it's based on the belief that we are not good enough.

The Devastating Effects of Shame

Shame is a heartbreaking emotion that can destroy an individual's self-esteem and self-worth.

Believing you are inherently worthless or inadequate means you can't do anything to change or fix who you are. When you feel shame, you think your worth as a person is set and unchangeable. 

We corner ourselves with this way of thinking. It creates a deep sense of isolation and leaves us feeling alone and disconnected from others. It leads to intense feelings of fear, worthlessness, and self-loathing.

Guilt That Leads to Shame

The reason why people get these terms mixed up is that shame can sometimes be the result of feeling guilty. 

For example, imagine you made a mistake at work that cost your company money. You might feel guilty. And then shame sets in when you start thinking, "I'm such a screwup. I can't do anything right. I'm not good enough for this job."

In this case, the guilt has led to shame. Shame leads to feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, and self-loathing.

Fortunately, shame is not an inevitable response to guilt. We can learn to forgive ourselves for our mistakes and move on.

How to Deal With Shame vs. Guilt

The first step is to understand why you feel guilty or ashamed. What part of your behavior do you feel guilty or ashamed about? Once you know what it is, you can begin to address it.

If you're feeling shame, the first step is to recognize that shame is untrue. You are not a terrible person just because you made a mistake.

If you're feeling guilty, the first step is to apologize and make things right. It can be difficult, but it's usually worth it.

Then, try to learn from the situation. What can you do next time? What actions can you take to make it right?

With shame out of the way, you can take responsibility for your behavior and work on making things better. You can learn from your mistakes and become a better person with healthy guilt.

Don't try to bury your feelings. Recognize they're there for a reason, and work on resolving them.

Forgive yourself. We all make mistakes. What's important is that you learn from them and move on.

What Happens When You Ignore Shame?

When shame is left unresolved, it can have devastating effects.

If you're constantly beating yourself up and putting yourself down, it's only a matter of time before you start to believe it. Shame can lead to deep feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, and self-loathing.

These feelings can be so intense that they lead to addictive and destructive behaviors. Some people may turn to drugs or alcohol to try and numb the pain. Others may engage in compulsive behavior, such as gambling, sex, or spending money.

Addressing these feelings head-on is essential if you're struggling with shame or guilt. Ignoring them will only worsen things in the long run.

Healing the Shame

Shame can be a damaging emotion, but it doesn't have to be. With the right tools, you can learn to deal with shame in a healthier way.

If you're struggling to cope with shame vs. guilt, don't hesitate to seek help. Brenda Reiss offers transformational coaching to help you discover the root of your shame and find healthy ways to deal with it. Connect with Brenda for a complimentary consultation today.