Lose that Luggage: Tips for the Newly Remarried

Published on Women Today, March 2007

Lose that Luggage

Tips for the Newly Remarried

By Tracy Ruckman

Many newlyweds carry heavy, cumbersome baggage into their marriages. If you’ve been married before, as I have, the baggage can be even heavier. Here are a few tips to help you lose that luggage and walk a little lighter.

Forgive. Confess all your sins to God and He will forgive you. He can even forgive your divorce, if you ask Him. But He also expects you to forgive others—even your ex-husband and ex-in-laws. Regardless of how badly they may have hurt you or your children, you must forgive them. Harboring the pain only feeds and strengthens it, but forgiveness allows healing to begin.

You need to forgive yourself, too. Divorce kills self-esteem, especially for Christians doing their best to live God-honoring lives. But we must get rid of the “Divorced” label and live as if we are forgiven—because we are.

Release. Let go of your bitterness, anger, hatred and all other negative emotions you have toward your ex-spouse. Dwelling on your previous marriage will keep you chained to the past.

Live. Grab hold of the present. Focus on the here and now. Create new memories and build new traditions. Don’t cling to your past, although some traditions may carry over. Incorporate traditions from both sides, but also be open to new ideas. Live abundantly.

Accept. Don’t make comparisons. Your new spouse is not like your old one. Recognize that your spouse has a different set of wants, needs, habits and opinions. Explore those differences and learn to appreciate them, but don’t compare them. As we mature, our personalities change and grow. You aren’t the same person either, so expect that your reactions and emotions may be different.

Communicate. Be open with your new spouse. If you were hurt in your previous marriage by a particular action, phrase or event, let your spouse know so he can help you work through it. Don’t play the victim, but be strong and courageous in your new relationship. My husband and I like to ask each other about our past. It helps us understand each other better. But we know where to draw the line because we don’t want to cause heartache.

Respect. Your spouse has a past, just as you do. Respect it. The joys, pains, peaks and valleys have made your spouse the person he is today.

Praise. Even on your worst days, praise God. He brought you through a difficult time in your life and has given you a brand new life. Praise Him for who He is and thank Him for His love, sacrifice and forgiveness.

Tune in. Pay attention to your spouse. My husband watches me. At first it was disconcerting because it was new to me, but soon I realized he was getting acquainted with my moods, facial expressions and reactions. Now he can tell when I need a hug, a laugh, or a bit of advice.

Taking his cue, I can now tell by his walk when he needs a massage, or from the darkness of his eyes when he needs a nap or is feeling romantic. It’s a great pleasure to know someone so intimately that words aren’t always necessary.

Experiment. Try new things and go new places. We love different restaurants and new recipes. Every year we vacation somewhere we’ve never been before. We start planning next year’s vacation as soon as we arrive back home.

Set goals. Create a yearly routine of setting goals individually and as a couple. Working toward those goals will strengthen bonds and allow your spouse to get a glimpse inside your world. You’ll become cheerleaders for each other as the goals are accomplished.

You can get rid of all your baggage. Time, love, understanding and action are all it takes. So pack it all up and let God help you lose that luggage!