Ever read a 'naughty book'? Don't fucking lie, of course you have. Even if it was one paragraph of the smash hit and famously shite '50 Shades' – it counts. For those with limited or no (ha!) experience, the world of erotic literature is as diverse in terms of options as any other type of fiction. With a wide variety of charters, locations and plot lines…or not as apparently there is such as thing as PWP or 'Porn Without Plot'. Yes, I'm serious. Particularly popular amongst fanfiction websites, PWP is literally intense and sometimes atrocious descriptions of people 'doing the nasty'. Researching this particular piece has been a fucking pandora's box of information. One of the interesting things I have discovered is not only the variances of plots, sub-genres, characters and types of coitus but the sheer pick 'n mix of sexual descriptions. Oh, the descriptions. So, I have accumulated some of the most, shall we say interesting options I have discovered in the world of nookie. They will most likely make you laugh…or get you frisky. Either way, you're welcome.
'G' by John Berger 1972
If you are an art fan, or were a frequent watcher of BBC mini-series in the 70's, then John Berger's name has probably crossed your path at some point within the last 40 years. An author who successfully bridges the gap between writing fiction and non-fiction, many deem him to be one of the most influential writers of his generation. Whilst I am not doubting this, some of the descriptions used in his Booker Prize winning pre-First World War novel 'G'are pushing towards the odd side. Below is one such example.
"When he enters her, when this throbbing, cyclamen-headed, silken, apoplectic fifth limb of his reaches as near to her center as her pelvis will allow, he, in it, will be returning, she believes, to the origins of his desire."
That seven words to describe a penis. SEVEN. I am all for being loquacious and expressing yourself in unique ways…but seven seems pretty extreme. Not to mentions 'apoplectic' is a pretty common word used to describe anger. In no way am I claiming to be a doctor, but if your genitals are throbbing and angry looking? I would personally advise a trip to the GUM clinic.
'Couples' by John Updike 1968
Based in the fictional town of Tarbox, Massachusetts 'Couples'is the erotic tale of 10 upper-middle class couples who are navigating their way through the newer and less rigid attitudes towards sex in America in the late 60's. Updike was already known for his explicit storytelling due to his 1960 novel 'Rabbit Run', but it is 'Couples'that is still used to this day in literary studies. Described by some reviewers as 'clinical', Updike's descriptions of carnal relations weren't always the sexiest…
"Her slick firm body was shameless yet did not reveal, as her more virginal intercourse once had done, the inner petals drenched in helpless nectar."
With the purest intentions of not being a judgemental dickhead – I have yet to come across a vagina that looks like a flower, and I went to an all-girls convent school. I cannot bring myself to go into the use of 'nectar'. One because I'm slightly on the squeamish side, and two because my infantile brain has transformed her 'nectar' into 'nectarine'. The image is one that undoubtedly was sent by Satan.
'House of Holes' by Nicholson Baker 2011
I guess the title should be pretty indicative of the contents here, alas Baker was still able to shock the holy shit out of me. Not due to the crass, blunt nature of the book but…oh never mind, I'll just leave the passage down below for you to gander at (I do solemnly swear that this particular pun was not intended).
"Jerk after jerk of Jason's artisanal come filled her rejoicing twathole. 'Now quick, hop on this cockbranch.' She grabbed it and held it—it was still warm from its accelerated growing. And then she heard the summer wind begin—a warm wind that made a different kind of rustling in the leaves because the leaves were drier now—and the light that snuck in between the boughs and boles was splaying and scattering, half of it reflected off the water, hailed direct from the setting sun. 'Fuck me deep, tall, strong penis tree,' she said."
Shaken to the core yet? Laughing so hard you're nearly wetting yourself? Yep, I was to. I'd like to highlight my particular favourites of this delightful slice of sex.
· 'artisanal come' – I really hope I wasn't the only one who thought of bread and can now never look at a loaf in the same way.
· 'rejoicing twathole' – Maybe it's because I grew up going to church every Sunday, maybe my brain needs a serious talking to, but…does the image of a vagina rejoicing make anyone else think of her genitals singing hymns off key?!
· 'Fuck me deep, tall, strong penis tree.' – I have no words, only hysterical giggling. Psst…you can get splinters from trees…just saying.
In researching this piece, I have found many more interesting descriptions all of them either shocking or amusing to my immature humour. This is not a slight on the writing style of these authors, merely an acknowledgment of the giggles they have given me. To be an author isn't remotely easy, being an author of erotic fiction could be considered even harder (pun, the sequel). I mean there are only so many words, right? I give incredible credit to anyone who puts pen to paper, so to speak, to express themselves and take readers along a story with them. The idea of a vagina singing 'The Lord is my Shephard' is still hilarious though…