Originally appeared in Maxim.com, accompanied by photos By Paul Spence In the 70's bikers used to be totally badass; huge megaladons seething violence and unchecked psychosis. But somehow the Harley has ceased to be associated with danger and has become a symbol of a mid-life crisis. The following cinematic loser-cruisers are in our opinion, directly responsible for making Harley Davidsons the new Toyota Corrola.
Batman and Robin - At the time, this movie seemed to be very cool and 'comic-book-esque'. Now it looks like the people in charge of the Pride Parade had carte blanche on all props and set decoration. It's one thing to add wings and trick out the exhaust pipe of a motorcycle, it's another to make it look like a plastic dolphin that got attacked by Ed Roth. Ghost Rider - Nicholas, we loved you in Fast Times, Raising Arizona, and Wild at Heart, but since you did Con Air, Face/Off and Snake Eyes all in under a year, it's so over. In Ghost Rider, our hero becomes a supernatural agent of justice who rides around on a CGI motorcycle until every single person in the theatre has thrown up on themselves. Every which way but loose - If you told Clint Eastwood back in the day that his highest grossing movie (in theatres) would be a slapstick trucker comedy involving an oranoutang and a bumbling biker gang called the Black Widows, he'd probably have given you a deadpanned, "NO". The bikers in this movie are so corny you'd think they were runwaways from the Cirque de Soleil. Barb Wire - With the dawn of the second civil war, America is in a state of emergency. Our saviour (of course) is Pamela Anderson, who is decked out in skin tight black leather, who beats guys up for an hour and a half saying things like, "Don't call me Babe". You got it Barb! Dirt Bike Kid - "If you're crazy about magic, hot for action, ready for romance, and wild about winning, this movie's for you!" Uh, what if I'm not into any of those things? This is the story of a pre-teen loser whose mom sends him off to buy groceries but he comes home with a magic supercharged dirtbike instead. Of course his mother is furious, but when Jack uses his flying bike to save the local hot dog stand from some scheming business man, he turns into a hero. Rebel Rousers - We all know about Jack Nicholson's cool guy character in Easy Rider, but what about Rebel Rousers? It must have taken some serious space-cakes for the two tripped out hippie filmmakers involved in this disaster piece to outfit Jack Nicholson in a flowing scarf, wool cap, confederate flag-embroidered leather jacket, and striped pants. And let's not even go into Harry Dean Stanton's role as the flamboyant roadie.