Supporting a Friend Through Miscarriage and Infant Loss - 7 Ways to Help Heal
This is a writing sample from Scripted writer Catie MacDonald
Supporting a Friend Through Miscarriage and Infant Loss - 7 Ways to Help Heal
There is nothing like the Earth-shattering grief of losing a baby. Time stands still and the pain and heartbreak can be unbearable. When a dear loved one goes through the heartbreak of miscarriage and infant loss, a concerned friend may feel unsure about how to provide the best support. The following list provides ten practical and tangible ways to support a friend through this difficult time.
1. Acknowledge Their Baby
Women experiencing miscarriage and pregnancy loss often report one of the most painful parts of friendship after loss is dealing with the pain of those friends who don't acknowledge their baby. Social stigma around miscarriage, a fear of saying the wrong thing, or an attempt at not reminding a friend of their suffering brings people to not want to bring up their baby. But any woman who has lost a baby will tell you it is quite the opposite. Say their name. Remind the mother her baby is loved and remembered. It means so much.
2. Gift a Special Keepsake
Any mother can tell you how priceless newborn keepsakes are - those tiny hats and hospital bracelets and first blankets. It is impossible to describe the gut-wrenching pain of a mother leaving the labor and delivery floor empty-handed. These little keepsakes are often all a mother leaves with when her baby dies. And a mother who miscarried will have very few keepsakes to commemorate her loss as well. An excellent way to provide support is to purchase a special keepsake in memory of her baby. Something personalized with the baby's name or a special color or motif that reminds her of her baby is wonderful.
3. Remember The Anniversaries
Even a simple text or note on the baby's birthday, on the baby's due date if he or she was born early, or on difficult holidays such as Mother's Day can make a huge difference to a grieving mother. Don't shy away for fear of reminding her of her loss. Instead, meet her in her grief and let her know you remember.
4. Provide Meals
When time stands still in grief, the most simple things like food become extremely difficult. One tangible way to support your grieving friend is to provide meals for the family. If you can drop off quick breakfast items, fruits, or snacks along with your meal, even better.
5. Provide Postpartum Support
One thing many people do not realize is that, even with earlier miscarriages, women experience many of the same postpartum physical pain and symptoms as a live birth. Especially farther along, mom will be struggling with pain after delivery, bleeding, soreness, and engorgement. These can be even worse to cope with on top of the mental anguish. Find ways to tangibly help a friend through this, whether that is coming over to do laundry, doing a load of dishes, or helping to take care of other children so mom can rest.
6. Follow The Mother's Lead In Conversation
In conversation with a grieving friend, follow her lead. If she wants to talk about her experience, listen. Be attentive and provide a listening ear, but don't ask questions she isn't ready to answer, and certainly don't ask them if she doesn't seem ready to talk. Obtrusive questions like "what happened?" and "how did she die?" are overwhelming, not to mention many mothers don't even know the answers themselves yet. Follow her lead in conversation instead of jumping to nosy questions.
7. Be Present
Offer to be there for a friend after miscarriage or infant loss. Sometimes the human tendency is to give space, but when a close friend is struggling, offering to be present and spend time, but not expecting conversation is key.
Helping a friend through such a difficult time can feel intimidating, but there are tangible things to do to support the healing journey.
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